Going Through A Metamorphosis | The Healing Process.
I feel like I’m going through a metamorphosis. I’m slowly becoming aware of the fact that nothing in my life is the way it used to be a year ago. To say if it’s for better or for worse is a relative discourse I don’t wanna get into.
But for the last 4 months or so, I would say that 40% or 50% of my time was spent… thinking and reflecting.
I feel like in the past year, everything I knew about my life and about myself has gone back to a neutral state and is waiting for me now to decide where to move it.
I don’t know who I am anymore, what defines me, what am I made of, what are my best points, what are my worst. It has all shifted. And what I have now is data: data about how I was brought up and the potential effect that has on me, data about what I wanna spend my life doing, data about my current situation (financial, social, intellectual, emotional…), data about my soul’s and body’s needs and it’s up to me to decide, what on earth do I wanna do with all of this? How do I want each of these things to affect what I do, how I talk, how I behave, what I pursue?
It’s a lot of work, having to let go of everything you thought you were until this point in your life and having to decide what do you want to be from the ground up.
It's a bunch of questions and options that more often than not make me wanna curl up in a corner and cry but I’m slowly learning to embrace the freedom that comes with this delicate position.
Deciding how I want people to feel when they’re in my company?
Deciding how I want to tell my story and what’s one healthy perspective I can look at my past from?
Deciding what part of my nature and impulses is serving my purposes and what part is holding me back and need to be letten go of and nurtured into something nobler?
Deciding what type of people I want to be surrounded with and what type of relationships do I wanna have with them?
What do I be notorious for? If I wanted to be notorious for anything in the first place?
Deciding how am I gonna go about drenching my curiosity about the big life questions I am curious about?
And don’t get me wrong, I’m not trying to come up with a strict guidebook for myself that I’ll need to follow for the rest of my life, I’m well aware that life is pretty unpredictable and challenging, but think of it as an exercise of consciously living the best life I can with everything I know at this point in my life and choosing what I wanna stand for in a sea of 7 billion people. No pressure.
But I think what this really feels like is facing truths I always kept away from because of how big or far they seemed, but now that I have nothing to lose, there won't be a better time for me to face them and consider new options of who I could be and what I could do. Options that are far from my comfort zone but closer from my truest self.
All in hope to let my individuality be pronounced without letting it turn into individualism and without letting my value be attached to ephemeral things that come and go.
Excuse the absurdity.