Randomly Kawtar

 With an emphasis on emotions, mental health, the beauty of nature and the little habits that make a life, RandomlyKawtar captures in words and photographs what it is to live, to grow, to believe and to love.

The year my heart stretched out of its comfort zone.


this is a follow-up of last week's article "The Year my Pride Doomed me to Depression". ) 

     I'm glad because my heart was stretched out of its comfort zone, it experienced totally different shades on the spectrum of human emotions & that has taught me a lot.

      It taught me that we can't just go around & tell people to "just choose" to be happy because now I know that there is such a thing as being stripped down from the power to choose.

       Depression is an illness & just as you can't "just run" when your leg is broken, you really can't "just feel and be happy" when your brain is broken.

     It also taught me that everything we claim to be ours is so fragile that it could slip out of our hands at any given time. With that, I learned to cherish & make the best use of everything that is part of my life at the present moment, then try not to call it mine so that I don't lose my sense of self when it is time to say goodbye to it. 

      And the thing I came to cherish the most is the ability to feel. It has never occurred to me that it was possible to stop feeling joy or passion or hope. But now I know because I've lived it & it was so frustrating that my only aim back then was to be able to taste to the deliciousness of life again, to be able to enjoy the little pleasures one more time.

It might sound simple to you but there were times when that felt like a faraway dream I will never reach, let alone achieving goals & having relationships & what not.

     Depression made me lose things I always took for granted, mainly happiness & my sense of self. I had to settle with the fact that "yes at this point of my life I'm a sad person" & that got heavier and heavier until I was no longer able to differentiate between myself as I know it & the symptoms of Depression on that self. 

        But now I understand it all better, Depression is not the opposite of happiness, it's something below that. It is a red sign your soul sends you when she has a lot to say & you haven't been listening.

     Depression comes to teach you that everything you have & everything you don't have is a test to your BARE and empty-handed self.
     A test to see if you're gonna get caught up in the details & superficial possessions OR are you gonna live for something bigger that requires Faith, Focus & selfless Sharing.Micdrop.

Make the sound of your healing louder than that of your shattering