Randomly Kawtar

 With an emphasis on emotions, mental health, the beauty of nature and the little habits that make a life, RandomlyKawtar captures in words and photographs what it is to live, to grow, to believe and to love.

The year I was doomed to Depression.


        So this is how it starts… oh wait it doesn’t start, it just hits you and becomes your second skin in a matter of weeks.

It is your fathoming and grasping of it that takes time as it robs you of the energy to be present and to bring down the wall that’s starting to build between you and yourself and your God and your life as you know them.

      And it stresses you out because you don’t see any noteworthy change in your life that may have caused this sudden change of weather inside your soul… or so you thought… and you just think that you’re too blessed to have this heaviness dwelling in your heart day in and day out.

     No matter how much beauty you surround yourself with, the dark cloud that’s following you is now disabling you to see any of that.

     Before you know it, the stress and confusion turn into a dark void you face most mornings leaving you puzzled, trying to find answers to questions you haven’t formed yet.  And every night, your mind drowns in an ocean of ugly, irrational, destructing and shameful thought patterns.

. . .

     3 months down the line, you’re still fighting it, still gasping for air as you’re stuck in a loop of very low lows and very high highs unable to take control as if an anonymous hand is playing with your mood switch as it pleases without you having a word in it.

     Then all at once, you stop seeing the point in doing things you were pumped to do just 2 days ago and quitting becomes your new habit cause you don't find pleasure in anything you do anymore... as if the taste buds of your soul stopped functioning after having a sip from an extremely hot beverage and everything started tasting bald and … pointless.

      And so you stop Doing altogether. (learning and talking and creating and caring and moving) 

      With that, you start losing a lot, tears, your sense of self, your beauty, your hair and weight, your people and your ability to feel joy.

 . . .

      6 months down the line and people around you start noticing: your increasing irritatibility that contradicts the calmness they’re used to in you, your introversion taking an acute road as you start retrieving from social gatherings even more than you used to and as a frown dwells on your face when forced into a situation you didn’t agree to in the first place (and you don’t agree to anything anymore).

     They notice your increasingly frequent self-loathing and dramatization sessions.  

      They notice your lack of appetite on the dinner table, your rude and disrespectful comments, your long sleeping hours and your wavering mind when they’re talking to you… and of course they take it personally, and of course they give you space when space is the last thing you wanna be offered when that feeling takes over you as you lay down to sleep at night.

       You know, that feeling of wanting to disappear, to float in nothingness and to be forgotten …all of this contradicting with a faith that keeps you from wishing to die… all of this manifesting itself in nightmares that make you sweat and fear for your life.

         That’s when you settle with it, with the fact that your world had stopped turning and that you became a mere witness of your own life and a powerless feather getting swayed from east to west, having no weight and no energy to stand on your feet.

      I was diagnosed with Depression this last October … I know, I was shocked too… I mean, I knew that something was wrong with me but I didn’t expect it to be THAT… Out of all mental illnesses, Depression always seemed the darkest so I was too confident that I’ll never experience it.

So for a year, my pride doomed me to depression, and in a way, I’m glad it did.

to be continued....

make the sound of your healing LOUDER than that of your shattering