Randomly Kawtar

 With an emphasis on emotions, mental health, the beauty of nature and the little habits that make a life, RandomlyKawtar captures in words and photographs what it is to live, to grow, to believe and to love.

What is love? ( a 5 a.m. debate)


« I loved him, she said, with all I have, and I don’t think I’ll be able to love or look at a man the way I did him. »

It's 5 a.m. and we have spent the last 2 hours listening tirelessly to her 8 years story with him.

« That’s not love, I said, that’s infatuation that turned into an addiction and you were merely attached to him by the thrill he caused in your belly, but that ain’t love. »

         He won’t let her go to sleep until he says so, she called it attention and missed her graduation exam because she didn’t hear the alarm go off,

He won’t let her talk to another male, she was flattered he was jealous then discovered that he talked to her the way he did with a dozen other girls,

He was broke and asked for money, she was flattered he was asking her for help and she sent him her father’s money in secrecy and kept waiting for a thank you that never came;

He played the vulnerability game and she jumped on it as an opportunity to save him from his demons, change him to a better man he wasn't willing to become,

He showed her he cared, she was fluttered and dried her body out when he confessed that he isn’t and was never able to love and that she must be a big girl and give up on her dreams of a happy little family…with him.

But he was good at making her feel pretty when she felt the ugliest, he succeeded in giving her that « only girl in the world » feeling when she felt useless, he patiently kept her company when she was the loneliest. . .

. . . and that’s how he caught her . . .

And God did he catch her!

«  I  sacrificed all these things for him how could it not be love? what is love if not the readiness to sacrifice everything for your lover? »

            She’s clean now, 6 months have passed since they last talked that last talk where it was over for good, where he told her a word or two that woke her up, one word or two that she later used to clean him and her feelings for him out of her heart once and for all. I trusted her.

I trust that she wouldn’t pick him now for anything. 

      « you know, I continued, if love is what unmercifully demands you to sacrifice your health and wealth and dreams and authenticity and integrity for, all to the price of sweating hands, blushing cheeks, a pounding heart and dreamy eyes, then I don’t want any of that, you can keep it!

But love knows better, I know that, real pure love is nobler than that, it takes care of all your wealthes, from your beautiful eyes to your unpainted aspirations, 

it doesn’t demand you to change at all, it inspires you to do so, gently and respectfully,

it sustains your heart race and in fact, draws upon it a serenity and peacefulness that take you by surprise,

love, my dear, is wise enough to keep you grounded, not sweep you off of your feet,

love does not put a band on your eyes to walk you through fields of roses to then leave you at the edge of the well without a guiding voice, it is instead, a door you walk in with your eyes wide open and you have a word in how you’re being treated because you already know how you deserve to be treated,

so no, that wasn’t love, it was a drug, he was clever enough to make you addicted to him cause he knew of your desire to be desired and he gave you that,

 he knew you fantasized about the butterflies in the stomach that Swift sang about and he offered you that, all to his personal benefit, and you bought into it and got addicted to his gifts because baby you don’t know better,
you never heard of the love that helps and supports you to be a better version of you, inside and out,
you never saw a woman with her brains on being truly loved by a real man,
you don't know your Lord enough to be filled with His guidance and His grace!

And that’s sad, really sad because you’re not the only one, most of them girls are misguided by false expectations of what love should and shouldn’t be. » 

         She stared at the ceiling in meditation and whispered: but do I deserve that now?! 

And that's when it hit me: 

The challenge is not only to understand and find pure love but rather letting it in,

The challenge is feeling worthy enough to welcome it shamelessly
And to be strong enough to not settle for less.

      And in order to be able to do that dear, we go back to what I've always been preaching about:
You'll have to get rich!! 
By getting to know yourself and knowing your Lord, extracting love from those who love you instead of taking them for granted, upgrading the quality of what you consume and of what defines your culture,

get rich and large and smart and grounded then filter out what you deserve and what you don’t….

Cause baby.... you look better with your brains on!!