A note on 2017 (year in review)

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wouw what a year it has been! 

The kind of year that sweeps you off your feet and turns your life upside down in the least expected way. 

For starters, I have lost SO much this year, from hair and weight loss to weakening connections with friends. 

From losing the ability to feel joy to a fading of creative, physical and emotional energy. 

I felt void and overstuffed at the same time.

And all this caused me to stop, 

to stop and sit face to face with my demons,

demons I have been postponing to meet for a long time now, and the ignoring only made them stronger until they mobilized my schedule, tied me to a chair and urged me to talk… for a whole year. 

to look at them in the eyes, and stare at their ugly looks with shaking limbs and a frightened heart.

We talked about love and loss, we debated the validity of my multipassionism and my hypersensitivity. 

I cried to their smallest offenses and got angry at the mere thought of being argued with and proved wrong. 

They put my entire existence to question and addressed how I’ve been leading my life so far with a deep unsatisfaction in their eyes that caused me to feel both shame and rage. 

They blamed me for taking responsibilities that were never mine to assume, they blamed me for the rush and the pressure I’ve been putting on myself to be and do things for the wrong reasons and they blamed me for ignoring the needs of my soul and pretending to be fine and independent from all of what nourishes it. 

It is indeed tough, having to sit through all these debates and watching as life escapes you and as the world keeps spinning despite your agonising screams. 

But as the year is coming to an end and as I found a little piece of me that still longed for peace, I started to also see all the things that this year’s toughness have made me gain. 

From empathy towards human pain and the obstacles it seems to create in one’s life, to the amount of love and gratitude I have nurtured while watching my most precious belongings slip out of my hands, to the wisdom that made me see that nothing is actually mine and it is only here for me to make the best out of it while it lasts. 

The summit of my wounds and dreams and fears is not over yet and i’m not expecting it to end just because a number will change, but after each fall now I’m starting to see clearer and fathoming better what made me me and what I wanna make out of it with an energy that I am yet to cultivate from the ground up…only and only because a tiny part of me is still madly in love with the opportunity of life and eternally grateful for the ridiculous amount of blessings her Master has placed in her hands to craft beauty out of them. 

Salam!