Nullness, Closure OR Ever-growing Thrive.
Are we there yet? Are we in the clear yet? I mean -again? Shall we call it off for good? Shall I pile up what we had to the stack of excperiences that make me think twice and thrice before excperiencing and committing at all?
I mean, I have grown too familiar with this process to be embarassed or grieving… the process of rolling back down to the starting point and swiftly loosing all the progress that have been scored while enduring milestones towards the top...
... you know like when they call off a trip because it is raining in our destination and we have to go back home... but haven`t we learned to tap dance in the rain -yet?
It is this unpredictable finitude that frightens me.
But not only that, not only the blank page after the bestseller, but also the fact that the bestseller never had a proper, redefined ending in the first place and you`re just floating in the waters of a river between the land you came from, the land you were aspiring to reach and the water current moving forward... but you just keep floating in place because you don`t know which way to go.
And now this fear is coming to surface everytime I cultivate a new interest in something/someone and have to consider diving in their discovery. I dread being left with nothing but a memory that I shall conserve in my Fannys Feet box of souvenirs.
I dread going back to admiring my friends writings without being able to write a word myself when I once considered writing a short story so much inspiration and passion were flowing... I dread not being able to reach my toes once again with my hands after dropping yoga for a while, while I was once being able to wrap my hands around my feet…I dread not knowing how to say `hello` to someone I once rawly disclosed my depths to.
I dread the coldness after the heat.
I`m a fragile creature and such a prompt change in temperature, without a defined causation, doesn`t occur without a disturbing shock, a drained energy, a shaken self-esteem and I`ve grown all too exhausted from it happening over and over again.
To be honest I`m currently not in the frame of mind to discuss hypothesises of why this returning to the starting point occurs in the first place so I just like to assume that it comes with the ending of the honeymoon phase: when we realise that inspiration and flow won`t always be there when you`ll sit in your workshop to create or when we face the confusion that launching a website and naively practising what you learned in school is not enough to success a business or again when we discover the flaws of a person we once assumed perfect; when you are tempted by quitting.
But let me tell you something, I despise nullness and I despise instability and after reflection I figured that there`s no such a thing as returning to the starting point: it`s either the point of no return or the point of closure.
All is never lost, so when the threads of our soul weave with those of a passion or a person and suddenly the progress of the making of our masterpiece withdraws to leave place to instability that`s where we have a choice :
- we either decide to cross the point of no return and go on with the weaving of souls, because we assume that our subject of interest is a good fit for our persona and we accept to take the whole package: golden and rustic.
- OR we decide to hand down closure: we write a proper and polished ending and move on to write the next bestseller that will nontheless have its own honeymoon phase and its own `sh*t sandwich` (as Liz Gilbert likes to call it).
There`s also the option to stay in nullness, floating in instability, undecissiveness, not letting the current of the river move you ahead and move on, nor deciding to swim over to the promising and fertile land of progress and thrive where no one has ever gotten disappointed.
BUT I don`t want you to consider the nullness choice nor stay in it for a long time, i don`t want you to consider quitting or giving up on yourself and on all the blooming things you can be.
You`re worth more than that. Keep moving my friend. It`s time to DETOXIFY.
So I guess what I really dread now is the choice making rather than loosing it all `cause there`s not such a thing. Wish me courage x.